Of medicine.

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim..

Lately there are certain times I found that I've lost the enthusiasm in studying. 

This is a new thing. Definitely a new feelings.

Since I was in primary school, I do like study. I've been transfered from one school to another a lot as my family immigrated to another area. 

But it does not matter. 

Everytime I moved to another school, I might found the difficulties to adapt with the environment, lost many of my bestfriends but yet, I'll still get myself into the teaching and studies. I know that I have to study, and school is for education after all, you have to move on and adapt.

Now when I started to get those 'tired' and 'down' feelings, I was thinking,

"Maybe because it is medicine."

Medic looks great in the beginning and to be sincere, I like it. But as time flies, being in tarbiyyah, you'll learn that you'll continue not because of the 'great looks' or because this field interest you.

Medicine, medic, perubatan, kedokteran.

2 years of A level, 6 years in medical faculty, and after graduating you still have to struggle. 2 years of HO-ship, and etc. And that's if you are not repeating years thorough the studies and not being extended in HO-ships.

Yet you have to face the responsibilities of being a doctor.

You can't make mistakes. Its people health and life you are dealing with.

When you are being proposed for a marriage, somehow you have to 'intentionally' remind the man that you are a medical students or you'll be a doctor if God willing. In case he forgot or missed that, I'll kindly give you the chance to re-consider T.T. 

When looking at the books during 'futur' phase, it make you de-motivated. Sometimes in order to understand something, it took a very long hours of studying and yet there are still many things not being covered yet. So much thing to learn and remember. Unfortunately I'm not good in memorizing. T.T

And its not about passing the exams only. But its about the knowledge and skills a doctor 'supposed' to have. Last few days I visited my two close friends when I was in SMK Dang Anum. One of them is an engineering student and is completing her masters in Uniten and the other is doing dentistry in USM.

During the chatting, my friend who do engineering asked,

"Ok tak thina, buat medic... Mesti susah kan."

And I replied,

"Untuk study medic mungkin kita boleh. Tapi kita tak tahu sama ada kita boleh 'menjadi doktor' atau tidak."

Pelik kan.

Maybe 'medicine' is not the only reason, could it be? 

Because there are many other difficult courses. My friend told me how she has struggled in the last 4 years for an engineering degree. And 'to be an engineer' might be equally challenging. 

Thus it is not only about the study is difficult or challenging, but somehow I'm afraid 'to be' a doctor. Where the knowledge turn out to be deeds. Where you should prescribe medicine, cutting people, to heal not to kill. Where you'll spending your time in the hospital more than with your family or friends. A doctor can't be materialistics. They have to give more than earning. They have to learn that in this dunya, they wont get the proportionate payment. 

Not in the Dunya.

That is why intention and purpose is important. Niat dan ghayah.

And now when I'm having the fluctuations in my spirit of studying, I tried to remember those feelings when I was in a high spirit before. What kind of thought that have motivated me, then muhasabah again.

I once told myself that as a khalifah, you have to do well in your specialties. You have to be a great muslim for the ummah. Jangan lesu berpanjangan kerana penat yang sekejap. 

Kerana ini bukan sebarang perdagangan dan jual beli. Muslim yang sejati tidak akan maju mundur atau putus asa. Lemah semangat **macam saya**.

My friend who's doing dentistry know that I like to watch House MD. Thus she said something like this,

"Dr. House himself always failed to get the correct diagnosis in the first attempt. The first 30 minutes usually will only lingered around the false or incorrect diagnosis, so why expect much from yourself..?" :)

Sometimes we get stressed out because we have drag too much identity as a medical students or a doctor in ourselves, while lefting the muslim image behind. 

Doctor muslim or muslim doctor. We know the answer scheme but forget to bring the right one along.

Jaga Allah dulu, Allah akan guide dan jaga kita. Dia akan bantu perbetul segala bolak balik hati kita, insyaAllah.

Muhasabah and remember,

"Seseorang tu tidak akan stressed out jika dia masih dalam orientasi nak beramal. Iman yang kita duk baja-baja ni menuntut satu pembuktian berupa amalan yang ikhlas dan diwaqafkan untuk dakwah. Bukannya sekadar untuk merasa 'kuat iman' di dalam hati."

T_______T