Saturday, April 7, 2018

First trimester.

Alhamdulillah ala kulli hal.

I want to share something about my pregnancy, apa yang saya dapat sebagai tarbiyyah buat diri :’)


Dulu waktu di HUKM, saya pernah beberapa kali belajar daripada ibu-ibu hamil yang mengalami Hyperemesis Gravidarum (alahan mengandung yang serius). 

Seorang ibu yang baru hamil 5-6 minggu hadir ke PAC dalam keadaan yang sangat lemah dan emosi yang terganggu. Seperti dipaksa-paksa untuk ke hospital dengan muka yang kelat. Bila di scan kandungannya, ada janin berdenyut-denyut dalam rahim. Saya bukan main excited, tapi dia Cuma pandang sepi saja. Hu.


Ada seorang ibu yang lain, ketika di ward kelihatan anak-anak dan suaminya ada bersama. Sekarang ibunya hamil lagi dengan alahan yang teruk. Bila saya berbual dengannya untuk ambil history, dia muram saja. Sampai satu masa dia berkata, kalau boleh dia tak mahu bayi ni. Suaminya yang terkejut terus memujuk.


Waktu tu saya rasa pelik, kenapa ada ibu yang tidak suka pada bayi yang dikandungnya. Tak suka bila hamil lagi.


Is it possible?


Sejak hamil, ada beberapa kali pernah terlintas dalam fikiran saya perkara yang negatif, seperti intrusive thoughts yang datang secara tiba-tiba. Waktu hamil minggu ke 4 hingga 6, perubahan hormon membuatkan mual berterusan, susah tidur dan badan letih berpanjangan sampai rasa ‘dah tak boleh tahan’ lagi. Asyik makan yang ringan-ringan sebab bila lapar rasa mual makin menjadi-jadi. Tapi tak lalu nak makan makanan berat dan banyak makan buah atau roti saja. 


Memang bila mengandung ni, selera jadi berubah. Ada masanya sampai menangis sebab lapar tapi langsung tak ada selera. Saya tak suka nak masak dan makan nasi, tapi kadang-kadang tahan mual dan masak juga sebab kesian kat suami. Bahan basah macam sayuran dan lauk dalam peti semua banyak yang rosak sebab dah jarang masak. 


Masuk minggu ke 7 sampai sekarang hampir 11 minggu, masih mual tapi waktu sarapan lebih berselera makan. Hampir tiap pagi makan nasi lemak supaya dapat tenaga lebih sikit.  My worst appetite started from noon until night, in which I ate very little. Malam-malam memang susah sangat nak lelap. Lepas subuh badan jadi lesu, semua kerja tak jalan. Rumah jadi berantakan sebab bila buat kerja cepat penat, jadi saya akan buat kerja bertahap-tahap. Kadang tu basuh pinggan pun separuh-separuh bergilir dengan rehat.


Jadi saya banyak google dan baca pengalaman-pengalaman orang lain yang melalui mabuk first trimester, supaya tak rasa keseorangan..hu. First trimester mencabar, kerana kita tak dapat rasa sangat pembawakan baby tapi terpaksa melalui hari-hari yang menyeksakan. Waktu ni belum boleh rasa pergerakan bayi, perut juga masih kecil. Yang memberi semangat waktu tu cumalah gambar scan yang menunjukkan baby comel yang dah nampak mata, tangan, kaki, dengan jantung berdegup dalam rahim ^^,


Sebab tu penting sebenarnya, untuk scan baby walaupun masih kecil selain daripada untuk tujuan perubatan. Semua ni akan mempengaruhi semangat dan psikologi ibu yang hamil :’) Saya buat dating scan agak awal pada waktu 8 minggu, waktu tu saya dan suami teringin sangat nak tengok kandungan. Bila dokter letak je probe ultrasound belum sempat adjust pun, saya dah terus nampak baby dan perasaan waktu tu rasa ‘sejuk’ sangat. Gembira, alhamdulillah.



8 minggu :)


Bila masuk 10 minggu ke atas, saya dah boleh rasa rahim makin cepat membesar. Ruang pelvis terasa makin ‘penuh’ dan perut makin jelas kelihatan. Waktu ni walaupun masih tak sihat, emosi lebih stabil. 


Dalam satu ceramah, ustazah ada mengatakan bahawa wanita ni kekuatannya banyak terletak pada emosi. Walaupun mengandung dan bersalin tu sakit, dia akan dapat kekuatan melalui rasa kasih dan sayangnya pada anak dan suami hingga membolehkannya mengharungi kitaran kehamilan yang sama berkali-kali. 


Jadi bila rasa down saya selalu usap-usap perut supaya timbul rasa sayang pada baby, supaya rasa kuat nak teruskan. Saya membayangkan jantung baby yang berdegup-degup kuat lagi laju dari jantung saya sendiri :’) Dan jangan lupa untuk selalu berdoa, semoga Allah mudahkan urusan-urusan.


For every heartbeat, 
Live stronger.


For every opportunities,
Be grateful.


Keep being hopeful,
To Allah who is Merciful.

Tuesday, February 20, 2018

Little caliph

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

I've been thinking whether I should, but its quite tempting for me to write about this, which is about the presence of a new little caliph.

Yes, here's a new little caliph is growing inside my uterus, 

subhanallah, wa alhamdulillah ❤👶 :')





I did my pregnancy test quite early, about 12 days post ovulation day and there was a sudden very faint test line appeared. I feel deeply grateful, saying alhamdulillah for countless times and even cried subconciously. Although it was a faint line, I know its positive because I have been testing upt a few times before and there was never any double line appeared until this time. Alhamdulillah.

Before I continue, I am hopeful that anyone who read this would not feel anything negative, and I'm apologize if I'm overreacted or something. Only Allah and myself knew, how much I wish to be given a chance to be a murobbi for my own children and I prayed that everyone who is hopeful to be given this opportunity as well insyaAllah :)


For me, the feeling is overwhelmingly grateful because I don't feel like getting pregnant is easy like you'll definitely be pregnant after married. No, it's isn't, its actually a miracle of the Creator. Some people may just easily get it but it's not the case for everyone. Allah has an accurate timing for every couples, insyaAllah. I have seen many deep sorrows of subfertile couples, agonizing sadness of women with stillbirth, miscarriages, and countless unfortunate events regarding pregnancy things.

And being imperfect me, Its hard for me to trust myself. My efforts and tawakkal were highly laid to Him, the Creator. I have quite an irregular menses, dysmenorrhea in each cycle, and a doctor who once scanned me previously told me that I have a retroverted uterus which was sometimes (but quite rarely) linked with difficulty in conceiving.


From this I learnt that in whatever we wish to have, despite our knowledges, our imperfections, and our great efforts, do ask Allah to make it easy for us and do not lose hope :')






Being a murobbi should be one of our target throughout our lives. In fact, its a must. Previously when I was in my university, I was given chances to be a naqeebah for almost 8 years. While now, I don't even have a proper usrah yet on my own since after graduated. If you have the same experiences of being a murobbi, then you will know how lacking it is to not be able to do so. Its not because you don't have a jawatan, position in jemaah or whatsoever, but its because of the lack of the responsibilities which would slowly drag down your self-improvement efforts.


And I remembered ustaz Ir Faridul once told us, a murobbi is not merely for halaqah or usrah, but one of the ultimate outcome for our training as a murobbi is actually to make us ready for our own children's tarbiyyah in baitul muslim. Thus never despair whenever we see ourselves lacking as a murobbi in any means, because Allah is preparing us for something greater insyaAllah. Like one of the sahabah once said, if you are sincere to Allah, He would show the meaning of your intentions.

I pray to Allah, so that this blessings would make me and my husband a better muslim, growing our inner faith and taqwa, and ultimately to build a family that could serve the religion and ummah. Amiin.














Sunday, February 18, 2018

SOPD stories (1)

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

I tried to spend some time writing, as a warm up. Somehow unfortunately I need to take MUET examinations next months, which is very bothersome or else my university would never let me hold my MD scroll.

I was angry and deeply disappointed at first, but in the end after countless appealing, I accepted it as it is to keep my mind at peace. There's no use in fighting, when the other sides does not wish to help you through. 

Just to make it clear, previously I took IELTS as required by by sponsor and passed with a good band. When later I was placed into UKM-UNPAD, the admin never told me that I need MUET in order to graduate in UKM. And now they are forcing me to sit for the exam just to complete the procedure.

Already 'melalut' from the real topics. hu.

.

So few weeks ago I bought a new book :)



Its about an experience of a caregiver, who has taken care of his beloved father in law, his biological father and his wife when they was diagnosed with cancer.

Somehow, I feel like I need to read this book to help me deals with my anxiety about cancer. 5 days before our solemnization, I noticed a lump in my left breast. About 2x2 cm, round, mobile, with smooth surfaces.

My knowledges told me that it is a fibroadenoma, but my emotions told me that I might have breast cancer. May Allah forbid. One week later after coming back from our vacation I went to Klinik Kesihatan for a checkup, because I can't just let this thing undiagnosed. 

For a follow up, I chosed SOPD in Hospital Muar although its quite far compared to Melaka GH because I need to enter this hospital first and 'lawat kawasan' before being firm about choosing it in my E-Houseman soon. And ya, as expected HPSF is less crowdy, but its really far from my house. After visiting there as a patient, I felt more reluctant because I hate to think that I need to travel 45 min -1 hour daily for one way. Coming back and forth, it would be almost 2 hours.

Alhamdulillah alaa kulli hal. Everything comes for a reason.

Then its my turn to experience the classic triple assessment for my breast lump. One day before I went for my FNAC, I googled to read other people experiences that made me felt so scared. Can't even sleep well as I imagine how painful the procedure would be. I have experiences seeing the procedure in HUKM as well and as far as I can remember, the patients were in pain.

Now I understand why it is important for a caregiver to understand what the patient feels. In the book that I read, Dr. Azlan has been excellent in managing her wife anxieties. He took care of everything and blew away all worries to ease the burden of his wife. He acted as a genuine caretaker. A genuine caretaker is the very close trusted person who is ready to take charge of everything. They not merely a person who act as a guardian, but he/she is the strength, a person who can't fall sick in any ways, a person who would sacrifices because they are afraid of losing someone dear to them.

Thus for my husband to spend his time with me I felt grateful alhamdulillah. At least I'm not going there alone, succumbed in my fear and anxiety. 

And the FNAC was not that painful. The procedures went well, I was poked only once and although the doctor needs to move around the needle here and there I did not felt much pain. The samples were adequate and I don't have much bleeding either. Alhamdulillah.

Its indeed true that fear can come to us without boundaries. Its only depend to us on how to control and limit it in order to have the strength. Hoping for a good news insyaAllah, regarding the samples taken. To have a slight thought about cancer is indeed frightening for those who experiences it :(

The book above did explain this kind of feelings. They experienced fears, but keeping it under control allowed them to move on and acted quickly in the most reasonable way to counter the time they have lost during the period when the cancer was not yet diagnosed. 3 Cancers in 10 Months give some insights about time. Looking at how the author cope with a tight time management while being a caretaker make me realize how much a desperation can move us. Inside and out.


Tenang ~



Looking forward to update soon, insyaAllah :')




















Thursday, February 1, 2018

Housewife.

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

Now I have a vegetables background in this blog.

:)

Since we moved in to our new house, I have become a full time housewife. Thus vegetables suit me well for the time being. 

Not funny ^^'

Alhamdulillah alaa kulli hal.

Someone had told me before, if you want to become 'someone' capable of something, you may not need to wait until you feel that you are ready. The process of doing will teach you the most, insyaAllah.

Like me and cooking~ hu



My husband has been suffering I guess.^^


After we married, we went for a short vacation before coming back to my parents in law house where we stayed for one week. Being a new person in the house, I was clueless of what to do. Hu.

Everytime my mother in law (Mak) went to the kitchen to cook, I would be there to 'menyibuk', trying to help her (I wished I did) in my blurriness. I told her sincerely, 

"Mak, Na tak pandai masak sangat sebenarnya. Selalunya kalau masak Na tengok resipi.." I laughed at myself.

"Takpe, yang penting ada usaha nak mencuba nanti lama-lama pandai tu." She replied.

Since then, everytime I accompanied her in the kitchen she will explain in particular what she's doing and how to cook the dishes. Mak has been so helpful alhamdulillah. When I can't help much with the cooking, I'll washed the dishes just to keep her company. 


I don't know Mak in person, nor I know anyone else in the family closely but being a part of a new family made me realize that the more I opened my heart sincerely to love, the more love I received. Like how I did dakwah fardhiah to adik-adik previously, in the beginning it's always hard but worth a try especially for an important person (mad'u) isn't it ?

As long as we do it sincerely for Allah, we'll see the goodness in everything.

Many more to come, many more to learn,

May Allah ease this journey of mitsaqan ghaliza, insyaAllah.

:') 






Friday, January 12, 2018

Trust and Dua'

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

Really, it has been quite some time. 

Alhamdulillah ala kulli hal. For these past few months, too many things has happened and being thankful is what I felt the most.




A cute sister traped this bear for me 👯❤


After passing my pro exam, I felt like half of the burden in my chest were lifted. My experiences in pro exam long case was painful that I hardly believe I survived T__T.

I have not much words to describe this. It was just a very deep dissappointment. 

I got a case that I've never expected and not studied for a long case. I asked Allah truly at that moment, why did You gave me this ya Rabb..? **crying**

Surely He knows best. I knew it. I just need some comfort to keep moving. hu.

The case was simple but peculiar for a long case. I got a case of hemorrhoids at that time where the history focused on chronic per rectal bleeding. To learn something from this, I could suggest to keep in mind that for undergraduate, focus on differential diagnosis first. The patient clearly told me the diagnosis but as a candidate, just rule out everything in the history taking especially malignancy and keep thinking for other possibilities.

I was devastated because I missed some points in the history and I don't know in detail about the management of hemorrhoids in colorectal specialty. But then, I realized that the definitive management was not everything in the marking scheme. The basic management in emergency, and basic management of the case counted in most of the marks. 
.
.
After all, in exams we can't comfort ourselves properly as usual. hu

When waiting for my short case just a few hours later, I barely able to focus. Almost breaking down with tears and I'm not sure how actually I managed to endure. I looked at my tremendous notes and whispered a prayer in desperation,
.

"Allah, please give me something that I'm capable of doing. Truly I can't remember everything that I've learnt. Its too much that I almost giving up. I'm holding on for this very last sessions to do my best, with a pounding heart, with this wounded heart, just because I believe that You will help me. I'm in need and to only You I'm asking."
.

Desperate, indeed.

I believed that at that moment Allah is testing me. He put me in those unexpected situations despite all the hard work brcause he want to see how far I put on my tawakkal towards Him. I experienced this 'al-khauf', in which I could'nt describe how it actually felt.

Exhausted and redha,
I surrender to Allah.
.

He is Just, and Fair. 







And in the end I passed, with a clear pass. Short cases were easier and every station passed almost smoothly. Alhamdulillah.

Events passed, but the tarbiyyah would remain forever. This was not the first time I experienced such a desperate moment, but everytime I would need strengths and enhancements for my Imaan in order to go through difficult moments.

These collections of tarbiyyahs would be my reminder every time I feels like giving up, whenever I feels worthless insyaAllah. That's why I need to write about this, somehow :) My memories can't keep things in line when I'm devastated but my own writing has been helping myself a lot alhamdulillah.
.

All the best to the juniors, my friends and akhawat :') They always did a better work, having a deeper hamasah and being a better version of ikhwah wa akhawat alhamdulillah. I keep my prayers, for those going to face imtihan this year. Soon. 



Sunday, July 9, 2017

Taaruf

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

9 Julai, setahun yang lalu.

:')





Ramai yang berkata, dugaan bertunang ni berat. Benarlah berat, dan menyakitkan. Lebih lama tempoh satu pertunangan, lebih banyak penyakitnya. Dan buat aku, sebelum tarikh ini sekalipun dah bermacam-macam penyakit yang datang, sedikit demi sedikit memakan kesihatan tubuh dan iman. 

Semoga Allah memberiku kekuatan demi kekuatan. 


Sesetengah orang melalui perjalanan yang mudah dalam menuju pernikahan, dan ada sebahagian yang diuji dengan perjalanan yang berliku-liku. Aku terpilih untuk berada di bahagian yang berliku-liku  yang memberi tekanan demi tekanan.


Jika ditanya bila saat yang paling tepat aku ingin menikah, ikhlas kukatakan bahawa saat itu sudah lama berlalu dan sudah dilupakan. Mungkin sudah tidak penting lagi kerana pernikahan bukan soal keinginan, ianya soal amanah, tanggungjawab dan pengorbanan. 

Mungkin aku belum memiliki kualiti seorang solehah yang sempurna, namun dalam tak malunya aku simpan seorang yang besar sebagai idola. Aku berdoa semoga Allah memberi kekuatan agar aku mampu meneladani walau sedikit T__T dan disayangi seperti Khadijah r.a yang menjadi kesayangan Nabi s.a.w hingga di hujung usianya.


Beliau yang sangat menjaga maruah dirinya,

Tidak pernah terburu-buru dalam memilih pasangan hidup, 

Tidak pernah melihat pada sudut material,


Berada di saat susah dan senang, 


Serta menjadi sumber kekuatan buat suami tercinta S.AW.








Taaruf..

Keadaan yang kita lalui tak akan selamanya sama, ibu bapa dan ahli keluarga juga malah mempunyai banyak sisi-sisi yang mungkin baru diketahui  dan sangat sukar difahami. Begitu juga pasangan kita, dia bukanlah malaikat yang  tidak ada cacat celanya. Justeru fasa  ini seolah-olah medan taaruf yang luar biasa, permulaan yang paling sulit. Mungkin sekadar ujian, ujian peralihan daripada seorang budak menuju dewasa , ujian dalam usaha mengikuti sunnah Rasul s.a.w dan mentaatiNya.


Aku sangat suka dengan tulisan Salim A. Fillah dalam kisah pernikahannya. Dia mentadabbur Al Baqarah ayat 155 mengenai ujian,


“ Macam ujian pertama yang Allah sebut dalam Surat Al Baqarah ayat 155 adalah "Al Khauf", yakni rasa takut, gelisah, khawatir, cemas. Tapi ujian adalah tantangan memaknai, bukan menguji kemampuan. Sebab telah diukur kadarnya, takkan melampaui kesanggupan.”


Ia bukan menguji kemampuan, tapi lebih kepada bagaimana kita memaknai segala perasaan saat diuji, ‘Al Khauf’. Dan bagaimana kita berusaha dan bertawakkal dalam melaluinya. Perasaan ini akan tetap ada, namun tak seharusnya menjadi penghalang untuk kita melepasi ujian-ujian tersebut.


Seperti nak memujuk anak kecil untuk merelakan tangannya dicucuk dan diambil darah, memang susah. Berlari, meronta, menjerit.  Kerana di dalam kepalanya ada berbagai persepsi yang menakutkan. 

Sedangkan kita tahu dia mampu. Kita tahu bila dicucuk, sakitnya cuma sementara, dan tangannya tidak akan cacat kerana dicucuk jarum yang kecil tu. Namun apakan daya, dia sedang berperang dengan perasaan khaufnya.


Seperti aku yang nak pro exam ni, memang begitulah T__T. Takutnya bukan main. Namun Allah dah lama susun semua ni kerana Dia tahu aku mampu. Sama ada aku mampu lulus, atau mampu menanggapi ujian kegagalan. Namun apapun natijahnya, Dia akan mengganjari setiap kesabaran dengan sebaik-baik ganjaran.
.

Berbalik pada kisah tadi, belum habis sebenarnya. 


Maka menjelang akad nikah itu putaran bumi pada paksinya seakan terasa dan matahari bersembunyi di balik retina. Pusing. Gelap. Tapi di depan sana petugas KUA sudah selesai meneliti berkas, memberi mukadimah, dan calon mertua sudah mulai mengulurkan tangan. 

Sejenak dia ragu menyambut salaman, sebab telapak Bapak itu seakan adalah pukulan seribu bayangan.
Tapi dia menguatkan diri dengan berusaha menghadapkan hati pada Ilahi. Dan memejamkan mata.

Dia ingat betul, para kekasih Allah juga memejamkan mata ketika perintah Allah terasa berat bagi mereka. Ibrahim 'Alaihissalam misalnya, ketika diperintahkan menyembelih putra tercinta, dia memejamkan mata sebagai tanda berserah diri pada Allah, berprasangka baik padaNya, dan tetap berjuang untuk taat meski terasa berat.

Maka diapun memejamkan mata sembari berharap akan ada keajaiban ketika nanti semua selesai. Tentu saja dia berharap keajaibannya tak persis sama dengan yang terjadi pada Ibrahim. Mempelai diganti kambing itu tidak lucu.



"Ya Allah, inilah aku hambaMu berusaha mentaatiMu dan mengikuti sunnah RasulMu, maka tolonglah dia mengatasi segala kelemahannya."



Dan benar, ketika dia membuka mata, hujan mulai turun, rintik gerimis rinai-rinai syahdu. Maka puisi hati berikutnya tertutur ketika pertama kali tangannya dicium sang istri dan hidungnya disentuhkan ke ubun-ubun berkerudung putih itu."





"Betapa sedihnya, langit yang kehilangan sesosok bidadari. Ia titikkan airmata, karena yang tercantik turun ke bumi. Inilah dia si jelita, mendampingiku di sisi." -Salim A. Fillah








Sunday, June 11, 2017

A thorn

56 days left before pro exam

16th of Ramadhan






I really hope that I could end this as soon as possible.

Whenever I saw other people doing so many of good things, doing da'wah, charity, ibadah, spending time with people etc, I hope that I can be a part of it. 

They are doing great, while i am struggling.

Struggling with my studies, my health, my family conflicts, my internal conflicts, my imaan.  

Many times I broke down in my salah and dua', and I asked Allah to ease the heaviness in my heart.



From Asmaa Hussein,

"As humans, we are often unable to apply different characters at one moment. For example, in the moment of anger we may not able to be merciful. When in love, we can be unjustly biased.

Allah s.w.t is the opposite. He is all of His beautiful names and attributes at once. He never ceases being merciful, even when He is angered. He never ceases being just, even if it is against those He loves. 

While I have been given a painful trial, I understand that Allah gave it to me out of His mercy."


The prophet s.a.w said, 

"No fatigue, nor disease, nor sorrow, nor sadness, nor hurt, nor distress befalls a muslim, even if it were the prick he receives from a thorn, but Allah will expiates some of his sins for that."

🌼(Bukhari)🌼







You just can't give up.

We often ask for His forgiveness. 

But one thing that we tend to forget, is to forgive ourself. 

To be patient with our own weaknesses and make peace with our own heart is as important as making peace with others.

Sometime i really did not realizes, by making a war in the inside, i'm burning every pieces of it that actually could heal.

You just need to be patient with the healing process. 

Biidznillah.


First trimester.

Alhamdulillah ala kulli hal. I want to share something about my pregnancy, apa yang saya dapat sebagai tarbiyyah buat diri :’) Dulu wak...