Sunday, April 23, 2017

A beautiful patience.







There are times, when my heart was so burdened,
And as I tried to seek for people, 
They eventually turned me down.

.

The heaviness was still there, suffocating.
The lump stuck in my throat,
until I feel like if someone poke me enough, I would let it out, involuntarily.
But not much person actually poke even a bit,
so that's how everything was buried, including myself.

.

There are peoples whom previously I cared so much.
Whom I was deeply concerned and was always ready to lend my hand, ears, eyes.
But now I can't even stay for few seconds when I met their eyes to ask how they're doing.

I'm deeply apologize.
For not having those strength as I'm not doing well by myself.

.

Indeed I took quite some time to understand the nature of this life.
How a mother's love could be so painful to deal with,
How a brother's so called love could be full of hatred.

How seeing other people happiness could bring tears of joy as well as sadness in my heart. 

How a person heart can be as hard as stone,
Until after I know them in person, then I realized how dangerous an evil is
.

And how a man whom previously a stranger,
could sincerely stepped in to bear with this broken woman,
and being a part of it.

.

Look, 
Things that we desire are meant to be with us,
Only when He made it that way.
Then why we kept demanded a fate that was not for us ?
We need to stop insisting, and start accepting.
.

And wait patiently.
With a beautiful patience.

.

Only if we know how Allah has swayed us away from the edge of fire,
then surely we would be grateful despite all those sufferings, loneliness, tiredness we had gone through.





Soon you might be a doctor, insyaAllah.
And might be more than that, biidznillah

.
I don't know how this could be a blessings because I'm starting to hate this field.
But it could be.
.
Indeed it could be a blessings with Allah's will

.

Because bearing a wound inside your heart, 
would allow you to be aware of other people's pain.


<3













Saturday, December 31, 2016

Fireworks

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim..

I opened my old jurnal, and found a note written by one of them before I came back to Malaysia.

Whom one time ago being the kid, the adik-adik. ;)




"Kakak! I love your personality. Your innershine was potrayed outside. 
May Allah guide you through His path."



I thought this sound so innocent from an innocent soul of her. Because her thought was so kind <3

She saw good in people and expressed good things. That's lovely.

Unfortunately, I'm not a darling like what she thought. 

~~~~




When I entered peadiatrics in my final year, I'm partially dead inside. Being hardworking, dedicated, and at the same time keeping your sanity was extremely difficult. I know that slowly and proggressively, I'm losing myself.

You even forgot how to smile.

You expressed too much of negative emotions.

I wondered why I can't be good. Maybe because I lose those so called 'innershine'. You can't be such a darling if you lose it. 

Sometimes i thought, when other people can be cruel and selfish, why I should'nt be one?  
Simply said, that is how pressure overrule ourselves. 

Have you ever heard and read Fireworks lyrics in the code blue drama series? 

:)





"I wonder how much value there is throughout this world i'm living,
Everything feels meaningless,
Maybe i'm just a little worn out."


You see, you are just worn out. But not yet dead.


"Putting what I have obtained on one hand,
I see the radiance of several thing I cast away on the other.
It isn't such a peaceful world,
That I can grieve over every single one."


And you can't have everything. Stop grieving for what you lose. Look at what you gained on the other hand.

Sometimes sadness overwhelmed us because we want so much of things.. And we think that we should gained everything at one particular time. 

So little we know, that Allah know us better.

:')








Thursday, November 24, 2016

Grow bigger inside.

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim..

Second day in HTI, I've planted a cockscomb flower seeds in a pot. 

Pokok yang sama sy pernah tanam waktu sekolah rendah dulu, namun kali ni dari spesis yang berbeza. Yang dulunya dari spesis celosia cristata. 



celosia cristata

And the one that I've planted here is of other species, celosia plumosa.


celosia plumosa

C.Plumosa lebih renek dan kecil.. Tak terlalu tinggi dan semenarik C.Cristata yang bunganya lembut seperti baldu. Sama, tapi berbeza. Its like C.Plumosa being the humble version of cockscomb :)  Selalu ada di tepi-tepi jalan di mana kebanyakan orang tak perasan, tapi bila tak ada pemandangan jadi kurang menarik.

Kelebihan C.Plumosa, ialah dari segi kestabilan dan tahan lama pokoknya. Sebab dia rendah dan renek. Dulu sewaktu sy menanam C. Cristata, batangnya akan naik tinggi dan di pucuk-pucuknya inilah bunga-bunga yang cantik akan muncul. Namun bila bunganya makin besar dan banyak, C.Cristata mudah tumbang. 

Hujan lebat sikit pun boleh tumbang.

Sedih. Begitulah setiap kejadian ada lebih dan kurangnya.


...................................................................

And this is the one I've planted recently. Baru nak bercambah :)


Day 4

They grow quite slowly. Bit by bit.

Macam tuannya juga, lambat segala serbi. hu

Kadang-kadang boleh lama menatap pokok ni, memujuk hati. 

You might be slow, but you shall grow.

Hari pertama di HTI, ketua jururawat (sister) yang berbangsa India menitip pesan sewaktu orientasi ward.



"If you are making mistakes, doing something wrong by accident or anything, please let me know. If you are hiding it, I am totally fine. But surely God will pay you afterwards."

..........................................

A non muslim is talking about God, how about us..?

T.T

Sama seperti orang yang kita sakiti, sama ada patients, colleagues, patient's family members, cleaner. Mereka yang berhati baik tidak membalas, namun ianya tidak menghapuskan salah silap kita. Don't be so 'kiasu' (selfish), because its hurts. Don't force patients, don't steal other people opportunities, and don't bully just because you can. 

Its very often we need to try harder to create our own opportunities. 

We might be at the downside, but our hard works shall be paid off. 


Keep it low,
but grow bigger inside.

Macam C.Pulmosa ibaratnya. Cantik dan kukuh.

Like those precious kind heart. 








Tuesday, October 11, 2016

Love yourself.

Hari ini ialah hari asyura. 

ada sejarah-sejarah yang besar di sebaliknya.

This post is very random. Mungkin tak ada kaitan dengan hari asyura. But I just want to write something. hu.

Bila teringat akan kisah2 nabi dan sahabat, bayangan tu selalu hadir dengan kesedihan. Somehow, aku membayangkan bahawa kehidupan mereka diselimuti dengan peristiwa-peristiwa yang perit, hari-hari yang sukar, memaksa diri untuk memiliki hati-hati yang tabah.

Betapa istimewanya mereka, kerana kekuatan yang mereka miliki.

Aku sentiasa kagum dengan Yusuf a.s, kerana sifat dirinya yang tidak berdendam dan mudah memaafkan. 

Dirinya dibuli, dihumban ke dalam perigi, dibenci saudara-saudaranya kerana dengki namun baginda a.s tidak berdendam. Yusuf a.s malah dimasukkan ke dalam penjara bertahun lamanya. Setelah akhirnya saudara2 yang menganiaya Yusuf a.s mengakui kesalahan-kesalahannya, baginda menjawab,


“Pada hari ini tidak ada cercaan terhadap kamu, mudah-mudahan Allah mengampunkan (kamu) dan Dia adalah Maha Penyayang di antara para penyayang.” (Yusuf:92)


**nangis**





Betapa jauhnya kita dari kesempurnaan seorang nabi.

Begitu juga Yaakub a.s. Baginda terlalu sedih dan merindui Yusuf a.s sehingga matanya menjadi buta. Namun Yaakub a.s tidak memberontak dan berputus asa.


“Dan Yaakub berpaling daripada mereka (anak-anaknya) seraya berkata: “Aduhai dukacitanya aku terhadap Yusuf” dan kedua-dua matanya menjadi putih kerana kesedihan dan dia diam menahan amarah (terhadap anak-anaknya)” (Yusuf : 84)

“Sesungguhnya hanyalah kepada Allah aku mengadukan kesusahan dan kesedihanku..” (Yusuf: 86)



Teringat pesan naqibah satu masa dulu,

Masalah kita ni, tak seberat apa yang dilalui para nabi. Namun mereka yang juga manusia seperti kita tetap boleh survive, kerana setiap masalah yang mereka hadapi dihalakan kepada Allah.

Jika di dunia ini wujud insan yang memahami dan menjadi pendorong semangat, bersyukurlah. Namun jika tidak wujud seorang yang begitupun, janganlah lupa kita ada Allah.

Dia yang paling dekat dan tahu.

Setiap malam apabila mata ini tak boleh lelap, aku memikirkan apa sebenarnya punca ketidaktenteraman perasaan ini. Takutkah, risau, penat, penyesalan, rindu, benci atau apa. Kadang-kadang secara sedar kita rasa sudah berjaya menyelesaikan, namun hakikatnya masalah-masalah tu masih wujud, berlegar-legar dalam minda separa sedar.


Dia tak muncul dengan rupa masalah tu, tapi datang dalam berbagai bentuk. Badan kita menanggung sesuatu yang susah difahami puncanya.

Sakit kepala,

Insomnia,

Tak lalu makan, demam, sakit belakang

Etc.

Bermula dengan menzalimi diri sendiri, lama-lama kita mula menzalimi orang lain yang dekat, sayang dan memerlukan kita. Mungkin kita tak perasan, namun hakikatnya perlahan-lahan kita makin menjauhkan diri.


Perasaan inferior dan bebanan ni ibarat duri pada tubuh seekor landak.. Semakin banyaknya ia, semakin banyak duri yang wujud hingga sampai masa kita tak mahu orang mendekat sebab takut akan melukakan orang lain. 

hu.

** Tak tahu nak kata apa lagi dah **


Mungkin kita yang belum cukup sayang pada diri sendiri.






Worrying too much about everyone, everything. Jaga hati semua orang tapi biarkan hati sendiri terluka. Seorang nabi boleh melakukan ni, but you have to upgrade yourself first to be able to do this. 


Belajar memaafkan dengan sebenar-benar maaf.

Mengutamakan hak Allah sebelum apa-apa yang lain,

Mengawal perasaan di saat yang paling sulit.

Redha, bersangka baik pada Allah.

Belajar meluahkan pada orang yang tepat, dengan cara dan niat yang baik.

And learn to let go things, when it started to take out the peace of our mind.










Monday, October 3, 2016

Hati-hati

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.


Hari ni terjaga sebelum subuh dengan kepala yang sakit.. Sebenarnya sakit terasa dari sebelum jaga lagi. Dari dalam mimpi..hu. Sebab takut tak mampu nak bangun subuh nanti, makan ubat dulu sebiji. Dengan harapan akan berkurang sementara nak subuh, insyaAllah.

Dah lama juga sebenarnya tak dapat TTH ni (tension-type of headache). Dull pain, tightness, pressure on the forehead, kadang-kadang hingga ke belakang kepala. Kali terakhir kena ialah di penghujung Ramadhan yang lalu, sakitnya hingga tak mampu bangun apatah lagi berterawikh. 

Tak tahu puncanya, tapi mungkin kerana peristiwa semalam sewaktu membantu Murni pindah. Hampir-hampir kemalangan lagi. Lambat beberapa saat rasanya hancur bahagian depan kereta. 

T__T

Banyak kali sy istighfar.. Selepas 2 minggu tak memandu, kenapalah permulaannya mesti macam ni.. Namun alhamdulillah, semuanya selamat dan urusan perpindahan Murni + Uwais juga telah selesai. 

Despite being traumatized, still I have no regret. 






Memandu ni taklah susah mana sebenarnya. Tapi bagi orang yang selalu ditimpa benda-benda tak elok macam ni, ianya jadi susah. Makin lama makin susah.. Sampaikan tiap kali sy nak drive jauh sikit, akan istighfar dan doa banyak-banyak takut kalau apa-apa jadi tak sempat bertaubat.. hu.

.............

Kemalangan ialah satu isu, tapi belum lagi isu menghadap penjahat di jalan raya. Kena buli, diekori dan sebagainya tu adalah juga 2-3 kali terutamanya bila memandu seorang diri. Bila sy cerita tentang pembuli jalanan ni ramai yang susah nak percaya, tapi ianya berlaku. Ada je jenis manusia yang suka menyusahkan, menakut-nakutkan orang lain di jalan raya. Ada juga kawan yang cermin keretanya dipecah, beg diragut dan sebagainya. 

Senang cerita, kalau dulu nak drive seorang diri selepas jam 10 malam tu tak ada masalah, namun sekarang fikir berkali-kali. This is Malaysia, terutamanya KL. Dengan parking di KL yang kucar kacir, tak tahu nak salahkan siapa bila kereta tiba-tiba calar, lampu pecah dan kemik sana sini. This is how the environment cause us to be gripped by fear, and thrown into unrest. 

Living here tought me to be independent in handling hurdles, and to overcome every fear by yourself. 

Takut macam mana pun, kena fikir waras-waras. 

Sebabnya, manusia di sekeliling masing-masing sibuk dan punya masalah sendiri hingga untuk membantu orang lain tu, ia tidak datang dengan 'natural'. Dulu waktu enjin kereta berasap dan tangan sy melecur disebabkan air enjin tu, ramai sangat orang kat sekitar kereta, tapi semua pandang je. hu. 

Nanges.

........................


Rasa kerdil, kita ni berbanding Dia yang memegang segala takdir. Mengajar kita untuk lebih berhati-hati dan banyak bertawakkal padaNya.

Niat yang baik saja tak cukup, kena tetap hati-hati

And being careful is not enough, be extra careful. 

Biidznillah.












Wednesday, September 7, 2016

a step back

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim..

These few days many people wrote and talked about Safiey Ilias, who has decided to take a few step backs in his 'hijrah'. Before this, people talked about Uqasha Senrose as well when she decided to remove her hijab. 

Here is me, the silent reader and follower.

Somehow, I like to read about the story of public figure who has decided to be a better muslim and make changes like Safiey Ilias.



Felixia Yeap,

Mizz Nina,

Wardina,

Fynn Jamal etc.








And because they are someone known, a little changes create some waves. Compliments as well as criticisms. 

May Allah bless them. They may not realized it, but what they did was greater than a personnel hijrah. In many ways, they made us to reflects ourselves, to what extent we the so called devoted muslims have upgrading ourselves to become a better muslim.

They had undergone many hurdles and difficulties, for sure.

And as a muslim we should surely help, but maybe most of us did not able to do their best in the helping part, yet. Some might has worsen the conditions. 

I tried to imagine, if he the best of mankind is still with us, our prophet Rasulullah s.a.w. I wonder, how would he react. The man with the perfect akhlak and qudwah. In surah al-mumtahanah, there was a story about Hatib Ibn Abu Baltaah r.a who has betrayed the people of muslimin and Rasulullah s.a.w before the event of Fathul Makkah. 


At that moment when he was cought, the sahabah's were very angry and even Umar r.a has offered himself to kill him. 


" Ya Rasulullah, allow me to chop off the head of this hypocrite ! "



But what did the prophet, our qudwah hasanah did was beyond ordinary. He met Hatib, and asked him,

"O Hatib ! What is this..?"



Hatib replied,


" Ya Rasulullah! Do not make a hasty decision about me. I was a person not belonging to Quraysh, but I was an ally to them. All the Emigrants who were with you have kinsmen (in Makkah) who can protect their families. So I wanted to do them a favor, so they might protect my relatives, as I have no blood relation with them. 

I did not do this out of disbelief or to renegade from my religion, nor did I do it to choose disbelief after Islam."




The prophet then said to the sahabah,


"Regarding him, he has told you the truth."

"This man has participated in the Battle of Badr: You may not know, O `Umar, Allah may have looked favorably at the people of Badr and said: "Do as you please, I have forgiven you. " 


(The Group with the exception of Ibn Majah, collected this Hadith using various chains of narration)



Hearing this, Umar r.a wept and said,


"Allah and His Messenger have the best knowledge. "




I guess we are so so far away from this..
And yet still have not realized the damages we have done.

:'(


sources :
http://www.englishtafsir.com/quran/60/index.html
http://www.qtafsir.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=1540&Itemid=116

Friday, August 19, 2016

Indecisive

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

These few weeks I had been busy since I am working to finish my undergraduate research. 

I know that I'm being quite meticulous with the study, because I'm interested.

It's a retrospective study, about cornea transplant that they had done in UKMMC. Cornea transplant is not rare to be done nowadays. Thus in the future if anyone want to know about this, I would be very glad to share insyaAllah.

To be able to see, is precious. Everyone knows that.

:')




<3



Nowadays since we are in final year, many of us talked about postgraduate plan.

Where to go for housemanship,

Where to stay for MOship,

Going into specialty or not,

etc.

And I am still indecisive, because it was not easy.

Apabila ditanya pada yang lebih tua, setakat ni semuanya mempunyai pandangan yang sama, a definite answer.


"Become a specialist, of course."

"Takkan nak jadi dokter biasa je."

"Nanti kerja kat hospital sekian2."


From there I already know what should I do. Which is to stop asking for an opinion.

Kadang-kadang kita sesama manusia kurang bersikap memahami sebelum memberi pandangan. We simply give an 'ideal' answer without thinking about the person. 


Did you know, 


Dunia ni luas, tapi yang menyempitkan tu ialah kita.













A beautiful patience.

There are times, when my heart was so burdened, And as I tried to seek for people,  They eventually turned me down. . The hea...