Friday, January 12, 2018

Trust and Dua'


Really, it has been quite some time. 

Alhamdulillah ala kulli hal. For these past few months, too many things has happened and being thankful is what I felt the most.

A cute sister traped this bear for me 👯❤

After passing my pro exam, I felt like half of the burden in my chest were lifted. My experiences in pro exam long case was painful that I hardly believe I survived T__T.

I have not much words to describe this. It was just a very deep dissappointment. 

I got a case that I've never expected and not studied for a long case. I asked Allah truly at that moment, why did You gave me this ya Rabb..? **crying**

Surely He knows best. I knew it. I just need some comfort to keep moving. hu.

The case was simple but peculiar for a long case. I got a case of hemorrhoids at that time where the history focused on chronic per rectal bleeding. To learn something from this, I could suggest to keep in mind that for undergraduate, focus on differential diagnosis first. The patient clearly told me the diagnosis but as a candidate, just rule out everything in the history taking especially malignancy and keep thinking for other possibilities.

I was devastated because I missed some points in the history and I don't know in detail about the management of hemorrhoids in colorectal specialty. But then, I realized that the definitive management was not everything in the marking scheme. The basic management in emergency, and basic management of the case counted in most of the marks. 
After all, in exams we can't comfort ourselves properly as usual. hu

When waiting for my short case just a few hours later, I barely able to focus. Almost breaking down with tears and I'm not sure how actually I managed to endure. I looked at my tremendous notes and whispered a prayer in desperation,

"Allah, please give me something that I'm capable of doing. Truly I can't remember everything that I've learnt. Its too much that I almost giving up. I'm holding on for this very last sessions to do my best, with a pounding heart, with this wounded heart, just because I believe that You will help me. I'm in need and to only You I'm asking."

Desperate, indeed.

I believed that at that moment Allah is testing me. He put me in those unexpected situations despite all the hard work brcause he want to see how far I put on my tawakkal towards Him. I experienced this 'al-khauf', in which I could'nt describe how it actually felt.

Exhausted and redha,
I surrender to Allah.

He is Just, and Fair. 

And in the end I passed, with a clear pass. Short cases were easier and every station passed almost smoothly. Alhamdulillah.

Events passed, but the tarbiyyah would remain forever. This was not the first time I experienced such a desperate moment, but everytime I would need strengths and enhancements for my Imaan in order to go through difficult moments.

These collections of tarbiyyahs would be my reminder every time I feels like giving up, whenever I feels worthless insyaAllah. That's why I need to write about this, somehow :) My memories can't keep things in line when I'm devastated but my own writing has been helping myself a lot alhamdulillah.

All the best to the juniors, my friends and akhawat :') They always did a better work, having a deeper hamasah and being a better version of ikhwah wa akhawat alhamdulillah. I keep my prayers, for those going to face imtihan this year. Soon. 

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