Trust and Dua'

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

Really, it has been quite some time. 

Alhamdulillah ala kulli hal. For these past few months, too many things has happened and being thankful is what I felt the most.

A cute sister traped this bear for me 👯❤

After passing my pro exam, I felt like half of the burden in my chest were lifted. My experiences in pro exam long case was painful that I hardly believe I survived T__T.

I have not much words to describe this. It was just a very deep dissappointment. 

I got a case that I've never expected and not studied for a long case. I asked Allah truly at that moment, why did You gave me this ya Rabb..? **crying**

Surely He knows best. I knew it. I just need some comfort to keep moving. hu.

The case was simple but peculiar for a long case. I got a case of hemorrhoids at that time where the history focused on chronic per rectal bleeding. To learn something from this, I could suggest to keep in mind that for undergraduate, focus on differential diagnosis first. The patient clearly told me the diagnosis but as a candidate, just rule out everything in the history taking especially malignancy and keep thinking for other possibilities.

I was devastated because I missed some points in the history and I don't know in detail about the management of hemorrhoids in colorectal specialty. But then, I realized that the definitive management was not everything in the marking scheme. The basic management in emergency, and basic management of the case counted in most of the marks. 
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After all, in exams we can't comfort ourselves properly as usual. hu

When waiting for my short case just a few hours later, I barely able to focus. Almost breaking down with tears and I'm not sure how actually I managed to endure. I looked at my tremendous notes and whispered a prayer in desperation,
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"Allah, please give me something that I'm capable of doing. Truly I can't remember everything that I've learnt. Its too much that I almost giving up. I'm holding on for this very last sessions to do my best, with a pounding heart, with this wounded heart, just because I believe that You will help me. I'm in need and to only You I'm asking."
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Desperate, indeed.

I believed that at that moment Allah is testing me. He put me in those unexpected situations despite all the hard work brcause he want to see how far I put on my tawakkal towards Him. I experienced this 'al-khauf', in which I could'nt describe how it actually felt.

Exhausted and redha,
I surrender to Allah.
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He is Just, and Fair. 

And in the end I passed, with a clear pass. Short cases were easier and every station passed almost smoothly. Alhamdulillah.

Events passed, but the tarbiyyah would remain forever. This was not the first time I experienced such a desperate moment, but everytime I would need strengths and enhancements for my Imaan in order to go through difficult moments.

These collections of tarbiyyahs would be my reminder every time I feels like giving up, whenever I feels worthless insyaAllah. That's why I need to write about this, somehow :) My memories can't keep things in line when I'm devastated but my own writing has been helping myself a lot alhamdulillah.
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All the best to the juniors, my friends and akhawat :') They always did a better work, having a deeper hamasah and being a better version of ikhwah wa akhawat alhamdulillah. I keep my prayers, for those going to face imtihan this year. Soon.