suicide

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

Yesterday, in a session with prof M, our supervisor in the psychiatry posting, she suddenly shared a lot of things. Beberapa jam sebelum tu kami mengikut beliau melawat seorang patient psikiatri di wad surgeri. This patient has stabbed herself with a knife which was described as an impulsive act after a stressful event.

Beberapa kali aku pernah terfikir, why people commit suicide. 

why.

Sekarang jawapannya ada, di posting psikiatri..

Ada satu soalan yang kurasakan menarik prof tanyakan pada patient,


"If magic things could happen, what thing would you like to have in this world ?"


She simply replied,


"I want a normal family."


Simple je kan. Benda yang ramai ada, yang tak berupa magic sangat pun. Namun sesimple perkara sekalipun, ianya bermakna bagi orang yang tak berpeluang merasainya.

**nangis**

Petang tu prof bercerita panjang mengenai patient ni. The suicide attempt was not merely an incident, but it could be an ultimate action after a series of longstanding events. Malah dari kecil lagi. Kerana ayah yang tidak bertanggungjawab, she as the eldest has took many responsibilities and been taking care of the family.

Prof said to us,

Apabila seseorang itu berada di fasa kanak-kanak, seharusnya dia menjadi kanak-kanak. She should be playing, studying, been loved. Not holding responsibilities as the leader of the family. Bila proses ni terganggu, a negative dynamic changes might happen in the inside. Pressure will build up, perceptions to the life and surroundings might change.

**Teringat kanak-kanak palestine dan syria T__T**


This patient, she kept on giving, but not getting enough for herself.

Hingga prof memberi analogi gelas. Kita takkan mampu mengisi gelas orang lain, sekiranya gelas kita sendiri kosong. How painful it is. I remembered one episode in House MD, when a new mother develop psychosis and tried to kill her newborn baby.

When the father started to blame his wife for everything, Dr. House told him,

"I know that people don't get crazy enough to kill someone without first being crazy enough for someone to notice.

How many times did you go out for a drink because she was crying ?

How many times did you stay at work because you could'nt listen to her telling you what a bad mother she is ?

You were relieved when she shut down. Just sat staring for hours at a time.

She held a pillow over her head. You slept while she went nuts."


.....................................


Being a psychiatrist is not easy, isn't it..

Many times I thought how observant they are. When we met the patient for about half an hour, we did not realize much. Prof asked us, 

what do you think her MSE is.?

Normal. We think she looked normal. 

Then she said to us,

I think she is still mildly depressed.

Our supervisor noted that although the patient emotions has improved, the patient only smiled once throughout the conversation. And it was a very brief and thin smile after hearing a spontaneous joke.

hu T.T

If you are not willing to observe, you will not see. Same like if you did'nt wish to help, you will not see there's help needed.

Rain.

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim..

This few days, I found that once I fall asleep, it would be a very, very deep sleep.

Until I felt like having a retrograde amnesia after waking up. hu

Might be exhausted, the effects of heavy rain in KL, or just because I really want to get the essence of resting.

:')

Beberapa hari hujan lebat di KL membawa banyak perubahan. On the way ke hospital, aku mula sedar betapa suasana pagi bertukar jauh lebih redup. Alhamdulillah. 

Selepas usrah tempoh hari, sempat berbual dengan salah seorang usrahmate. She is a few years older than me, sudah menjadi MO. I just knew her for about one and half years, but within this very short time I've witnessed many changes in her phase of life. Daripada bujang, berkahwin, mengandung, bersalin, pertukaran department dan sebagainya. 

Selama ni di pandangan mata saya, dia tersangatlah kuat and i could say, have going through things very well. Even now got a cute baby to play with :) 

But no, she told me. It was a damn hard experiences. Yes it was wonderfull, but yet challenging. Fasa adaptasi ni sangat memenatkan. The overwhelming thought and feeling cannot be avoided. Walaupun di luaran kita nampak normal, tapi di dalam sebenarnya berserabut. 

Too much of things. Too tired of something. Confused of everything, tired of fullfilling people expectations.

..........................


Why am I writing this, ialah supaya kita sedar.

T.T

Because I'm afraid when we even stumble before reaching those phase in which we were expected  to go through in the future.


See, at that phase you still need to be here in dnt and have to figure out the ways to survive.

..........................


Setiap benda akan jadi besar bila kita fikir hanya kita seorang yang ada masalah ni.

Isn't it.. ?

But no, look around us. 

Sebagai seorang yang terbiasa menjadi 'kaunter aduan',  I'm telling you that cumulatively everyone carry this kind of emotional baggage.

Ramai yang BFG mengeluh tak boleh adapt. Susah sangat nak buat dnt kat Malaysia ni. Susah sangat nak menghirup tarbiyyah macam dulu. 

Yang bertukar usrah juga tak terkecuali. Banyak perkara yang digambarkan

 'tidak seperti dulu'

This is one of the listed problem that keep on arising zaman berzaman, namun sukar diselesaikan dengan saksama lebih-lebih lagi dengan pengurusan insan-insan lemah di sebalik tabir yang juga sedang ditarbiyyah. 

Yes, I know everyone has a better experiences once upon a time in tarbiyyah. 

Me too :')

Benda inilah yang selalu JK tarbiyyah, naqibah, PIC dan segala JK lain struggle nak uruskan. Entah apa yang mereka asyik syurokan. But very often failed to reach the expectations. 

Jadi jangan terlalu mengharapkan mereka.

hu.

We should also do something for ourselves.

As we move on in life, akan banyak lagi situasi 'tidak seperti dulu' yang akan kita lalui. Kena mula berlatih dari sekarang

Learn to cherish our own tarbiyyah. 

As simple as things in usrah, or in other wasilah. I know to gather everyone is very difficult, but try anyway. If you can't meet in a proper liqo, do it casually in lunchtime, jogging time, in whatsapp group or whatsoever. Initiates things, discuss problems. 

And, don't be too hard on our sisters. Reduce our expectations. As condition changes, we have to learn that people also need some adaptations in life. besederhanalah.

.............................

Lastly, ialah pengajaran yang boleh kita dapatkan daripada mereka, saudara kita di sana.

Kadang-kadang terfikir, banyak benda kita boleh belajar daripada sisters and brothers in syria, palestine, egypt etc. How amazingly they adapt with major changes and trauma in life. And they indeed survived, moving on, become stronger.

How amazing, isn't it :')

Kadang-kadang terfikir, budak-budak ni tak ada PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) ke, tak ada adjustment disorder ke, berapa ramai yang stress sampai develop major depression, atau sampai develop schizophrenia. Why they are smiling like that.

We never know. But hey they are smiling.

We indeed should thank them, because they did so much for us.

T____T.

Stay there, stay strong. InsyaAllah.