Grateful

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

A few days ago I went to a photo shop, to get some of the digital pictures printed. About 40+ pictures from various memories, that I thought were significant and precious. 

Some of raya’s pictures, pictures with usrahmates, batchmates in Bandung and in PPUKM, engagement day, hiking in Broga, with akhawats in Ikram Siswa, and also some of unique pictures of Fatim’s, my nephew. One day when Fatim has grow up, I want to show him how adorable he was when he once a toddler <3

Sudah berapa tahun lamanya tidak mencuci gambar, rasa teruja sikit.. Kemudian pergi ke kedai DIY dan beli album. Nak simpan gambar kan :)


Bila dah susun semua gambar cantik-cantik, sy simpan di rak buku yang paling hampir. Sebaris dengan buku-buku medic yang dah disusun siap-siap khusus untuk kegunaan final year dan pro exam kelak, insyaAllah. 

Somehow I feel like doing this, and started to feel how it affects my mood. Bila dah mula hambar membaca buku, daripada scroll facebook kadang-kadang sy tukar pada membelek album. 

By doing this, I feel better, happier,

and grateful.


Kehidupan kita memang takkan lari dari masalah dan pengalaman yang pahit.

Benda yang pahit ni walaupun kecil, dia selalu menguasai seluruh perasaan. Macam tergigit buah pelaga waktu makan nasi beriyani. Walaupun nasi beriyani tu sedap dan penuh sepinggan, boleh hilang selera andai tergigit buah kecil ni.

Isn’t it..? hu.


Macam tu juga perjalanan hidup. 

Lepas belek semula gambar-gambar, mula menyedari bahawa Dia telah memberi dengan sangat banyak.

Masih sihat tubuh badan, tidak pula Dia menjadikan kita cacat anggota, berwajah huduh yang luar dari biasa dan tidak juga dijadikan papa kedana. 

Bila tengok gambar raya, tersedar lagi betapa baiknya Allah. Dia memberi sebuah keluarga dan tempat meneduh kasih. Walaupun  ada kelemahan di sana sini, ianya masih lebih daripada mereka yang tiada keluarga dan ibu bapa.

Tengok pula gambar akhawat dan ahli usrah. Tak mungkin dapat dibayangkan bagaimana diri jika tak pernah bersama dengan orang-orang ni. I am not a very religious person since the very beginning, and did not come from a very religious family either. Thus I believe that I am lucky enough to meet them. 

Kemudian batchmates. Buat medic ni ialah antara benda yang pahit dalam hidup, rasanyalah. Hu. Tapi kehadiran kawan-kawan sedikit sebanyak menjadikannya manis dan bermakna. Belajar sama-sama, present SOCA, berlatih OSCE, posting yang bermacam posting. At least we are in this mess together :)

Then the engagement pictures.   

Regardless all the hurdles, tears and difficulties, I am grateful, alhamdulillah.

:')

My cousin's son holding flowers that was later used in hantaran's decorations :)

We never know what would happen in the future. PadaNyalah segala doa dan tawakkal dipanjatkan.

Bukankah kita yang selalu meminta padaNya,

ya Rabbana, 

Hab lana, 

Min azwajina Wa dzurriyyatina,

Qurrata A'yunin

waj'alna lil-muttaqina imama


Ustadh Nouman once explained that in this ayah from the suratul furqan, the term used is 'hablana' (grant us) which is different from the usual term 'atina' (give us). In malay it is translated as 'anugerahkan kami'.

Because it is a very special and meaningful to any person.  

And Qurratu a'yun is a phrase that implicates the tears of joy and happiness. 

" As far as ancient Arab is concerned, two things have to do with coolness of the eyes (qurratu a'yun). The first one is about shedding tears of joy, being so happy that you move to tears, and secondly, it’s about finding refuge, finding some kind of safety.

That means that we should be so happy with our spouse and children, that upon just seeing them, we are moved to tears of happiness. 

It also means that the outside world when you go to work, or for your education, or for whatever reason, the outside world is like a storm. But when you come home, you finally find your refuge; you meet with the coolness of your eyes when you enter the house."
sources


Keep on praying, until He grant us such kind of happiness and refuge,

insyaAllah.

May He grant us,

a heart that never lose hope,

and a soul that never deviate,

in every trial and ease, 

<3

a tap on the shoulder

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim..

Kira-kira 3 bulan lagi, sebelum memasuki final year.

Final year yang medical student sangat takut dan ditakutkan. Pensyarah selalu pesan, bila dah tahun akhir, kamu tak boleh berlagak sebagai budak mentah lagi. Kena bersikap seperti seorang doktor yang sebenar.


Bertanggungjawab terhadap pesakit,

Ambil tahu apa yang berlaku, follow progress patient properly.

Ambil history dah tak boleh compang-camping macam dulu.

Present case, examine, examine, and examine patients.


Mengenali karakter final year student bukan benda asing sebenarnya. Sudah dua tahun berturut-turut menjadi naqibah untuk final year. Boleh dikatakan, mereka ni ibarat chipsmore. Kejap ada, kejap tak ada. Tapi yang takda tu lebih kerap. 


Asyik oncall, outstation, banyak task etc.


Usrah pun kalau boleh biar simple and concise. Kadang-kadang ambil masa lunch hour saja, tu pun dah cukup bagus. Kemudian, dah namanya final year, bab study mereka power. First time pegang mereka, waktu tu saya baru 3rd year. Budak 3rd year ni, bab belajar tak payah cakap, memang cengeng sikit. Kena marah sikit, nangis. Lepas tu tak pandai macam mana nak study. Blurr memanjang.

Jadi dalam usrah, kadang-kadang kita curahat bab study, mereka yang pujuk. huhu. Apa punya naqibah.


But then we learn to give and take,


Saya share pada mereka tentang islam, mereka juga ajar saya tentang islam, ditambah dengan macam mana nak survive in and out dalam klinikal.

Walaupun susah nak kumpul dan sebagainya, group yang ni special. Sebab dalam group ni eventhough kena jadi naqibah, tapi saya ada banyak kakak. I dont want to be kakak, I need kakak. hu. 


Perhatian. 

Simply said, sebenarnya ada masa kita inginkan perhatian dan and someone who is ready to listen attentively. 


.......................................

Di dalam kelas bersama anak-anak Rohingya tempoh hari, ada masa saya rasa macam nak give up mengajar. Terlalu bising dan nakal tak reti duduk diam. Waktu sesi mengajar doa-doa harian, kami pecahkan mereka dalam group seramai kira-kira 7-8 orang. Tapi budak-budak ni tak mahu bekerjasama dan banyak main. Belum cerita part nak leraikan mereka yang gaduh dan saling pukul memukul lagi. Akhirnya bila dah penat saya duduk dan diam sekejap.

Waktu tengah frust itulah salah sorang budak yang nakal tadi tu datang duduk sebelah, 


"kakak, dengar saya baca doa ni."


Kemudian dia suruh saya ajar mana yang dia tak tahu. Sampai habis. Bila dah selesai, datang budak yang lain pula, buat benda yang sama. Akhirnya boleh pun mengajar mereka, cuma kena pergi one by one.

Waktu sesi mewarna pula, bila disuruh ada yang malas-malas. Tapi bila kita duduk sebelah, tolong pilih warna, tolong kalerkan sikit-sikit, terus laju je dan bersemangat nak buat.

Then baru terfikir, sebenarnya mereka ni bukanlah rebellious sangat. Sekadar mahukan sokongan dan perhatian. They need a tap on their shoulder to keep them going. 

**tepuk bahu sendiri**

Kalau pun dah tiada manusia, Allah ada. He is the most attentive listener. Kadang-kadang kita minta sesuatu dengan sangat pada Allah. And when He grant it, we can feel how Allah give us the 'tap on the shoulder'. 


Happy.

Keep going, keep going, I already give you this. And remember Me. I will give you more.


But then we forget until He stop giving.
Supaya kita kembali semula pada Dia, sebab Dia sayang.


Adakalanya pula, Dia beri apa yang kita minta, tapi tak perfect.
Supaya kita ingat, bahawa semua selain Dia tidak sempurna.
Agar kita tidak memuja makhluk, benda dan dunia.


Thus jangan jadi budak-budak, yang akan tunjuk 'tantrums' bila tak dapat apa yang diinginkan. Lagi banyak kita redha, lebih kurang sesak di dada.


**I'm saying this to myself, sigh**

:'

“How wonderful is the affair of the believer, for his affairs are all good, and this applies to no one but the believer. If something good happens to him, he is thankful for it and that is good for him. If something bad happens to him, he bears it with patience and that is good for him.” 

(Narrated by Muslim, 2999).

pacing forward - IKRAM SISWA

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim..

It has been quite some time, I've been thinking to write about this. This might be not understandable for some of you, but just give me a chance anyway my dear akhawats <3 

Hope everyone are doing well, at our own place and pacing forward.

Why am I using the word 'pace', not 'running' or meroket whatsoever ^^', is because i thought this is the safest baseline for everybody. 

Thus i meant it for all of us, no matter what our story is. 

Pacing is a small step, but a consistent one. I know that most of us are not consistently running, and almost no human are able to keep running until the end of their life. 'Al Iman yazid wa yanquz' apply to everybody even for the sahabah r.a.

But we should be stepping forward, no matter how slow we are. InsyaAllah.

A few days ago we had our syura for Ikram Siswa. Maybe I never said this to many people, but actually I felt relieved when finally someone else would be chosen as the amirah for our team, the ship that we had rode for so long. 

Some might just know me for these 2 years in ppukm, but for some of you, had known and bear with me for a longer duration. The usual cycle for a leader is 1 year at most. If you hold for too long, you'll be like me., kind of hopeless. hu. There is hikmah in changing leaders, which is to get the new spirit of working, insyaAllah. 

Few years back,

At first, it is very difficult for us to find the track to pace on. So do I. After touched down from Bandung, there are too many things. You need to do this, to do that, to start, to convince, while myself are not yet convinced at that time. Sometimes really I got very tired but you know that you can't stop. Seeing many people started to take a 'break' and vacation made me crazy some more. huhu. 

Just kidding :)

For my dear akhawats UKM or UNPAD based, really I want to get the chance to explain more about our ship, IKRAM siswa. Just to let everyone to know that, for the time being we need it no matter how 'renyah' it is. For us who had been in the usrah for a long time, this is a platform that we can rely when we want to do something. And this platform should be connected with the manhaj that has built, and empowered us. 

Some people would say that, why can't we just do it? Nak buat program, buat je lah. Tak perlu merenyahkan diri dengan persatuan. Tak nak buang waktu dengan benda yang 'tidak muntij'. We think so.

For this, the answer is simple. Kerana kita tak mahu buat Dnt ni sendiri2. Kita tak mahu cuma orang yang ikut usrah je yang dapat buat baik. Jika nak usrah dan tarbiyyah diri sampai lebam sekalipun, silakan. Namun mata harus terbuka dan melihat masyarakat as we are living in this. 

We need to create a platform for the people surrounding us, including our mad'u. Kerja dalam dnt ni bukan terhad pada mesti jadi murobbi, we'll have to widen the jobscope in order to let other peoples join us.

And realize or not, the community need an icon, or a bunch of people to trust on, including us. 

And this is what people should see when they view a group of good people doing da'wah. People who are not merely ajak masuk usrah, but also to deliver islam and encourage people to do good even when they are not committed to jemaah.

What am I explaining is very superficial, but i hope everyone could try to blend it. hu


Then comes the story of responsibilities in every one of us.

What I could say is that, no matter in what position you are being placed in tarbiyyah, there is no levels in Allah's view.  

As a supporter, ajak mengajak
tukang bancuh air,
usrah member,
naqibah,
members of unit,
ketua unit,
leader.

Always belief also that if we are not doing our part, nobodies would. 

Allah will grant us, insyaAllah. 

Lastly, 

i'm thanking everyone to the fullest. 

For bearing with me, not hating me all this while especially to Afiqah, the best company <3, and to everyone who have done their best in syuro. Forgive me if I had talked too much, banyak berselisih pendapat dan sebagainya.hu. Semoga kita ikhlas kerana Allah.

May He forgive and grant each one of us, and keep us on the way to jannah.



p/s:
I've rarely post a picture, 
But here are some, untuk kenangan :)

iOs 16

Pernais 16

** Video pengenalan ISBTR:

Your salient features.

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.


There is one super senior in our faculty whom I always look up to. Despite of him having a hearing defect due to an accident, he climbed up to reach many superb achievements. 

In the very young age, he opened a hospital in a poor country, aiming to provide medical facilities to the poorest. Even went from door to door to reach patients whom initially can't afford any medical treatment. He go beyond what ordinary people would do, and beyond an ordinary doctor would do. 

Then he met someone, and recently got married :)  A few days after his wedding he post a picture of them in Cambodia visiting poor patients with a status referring to his wife,

" It's so amazing when someone comes to your life and you expect nothing out of it, but suddenly there right in front of you is everything you ever need. "

From this I learnt something simple yet meaningful.

Let say this is a story of a girl, a doctor to be. Might be you.

:')

Since she enrolled in medicines and many other responsibilities, she's very afraid of relationships. And this feelings become bigger as she climbed higher. Because she know that the road is difficult with many hurdles. Which sometimes she even barely survived. 

Along the way, people around her also got wounded. The parents are missing their daughter for so long but still they let her go. Since the past seven years, she barely able to visit home more than once in two or three months. 

And she lose many bestfriends too. Those old close friends sometimes tried hard to reach her but kept on failing. She loses them one by one and rarely find a new one. 

Thus to drag another person to be on her side, going through this gloomy road has been the end in mind for so long. 

...............................................


But as she hesitate, people said that this is such a waste of time. 

She can only smiled, while bleeding in the inside :)

Really, sometimes we forgot that human paths are different, thus our conditions differ accordingly. Knowing the limitations, there are times when people give up on certain things to persevere on reaching a bigger thing, with Allah's will.

The path  might not look very 'ideal', but as a muslim we do the best in our part. And keep on tawakkal. 

The wonderful thing that could happen maybe not merely to meet someone just to consider and keep on doubting, but it is when you are finally convinced,


despite all those worries,

You need this particular person <3

The special person who choose you not because the typical things that matter to most people, but because they recognize the salient features of you, and sincerely stay.

:)

P/s : Yesterday we had our psychiatry OSCE exams. I went to the exam place in a labile mood actually, almost in tear after fall asleep and almost being absent in the exam sessions. This thing never happen thus I felt so confused. 

Despite of feeling numb and  having a temporary amnesia before entering the skill lab, Alhamdulillah, He let me through, with ease. 

:')

suicide

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

Yesterday, in a session with prof M, our supervisor in the psychiatry posting, she suddenly shared a lot of things. Beberapa jam sebelum tu kami mengikut beliau melawat seorang patient psikiatri di wad surgeri. This patient has stabbed herself with a knife which was described as an impulsive act after a stressful event.

Beberapa kali aku pernah terfikir, why people commit suicide. 

why.

Sekarang jawapannya ada, di posting psikiatri..

Ada satu soalan yang kurasakan menarik prof tanyakan pada patient,


"If magic things could happen, what thing would you like to have in this world ?"


She simply replied,


"I want a normal family."


Simple je kan. Benda yang ramai ada, yang tak berupa magic sangat pun. Namun sesimple perkara sekalipun, ianya bermakna bagi orang yang tak berpeluang merasainya.

**nangis**

Petang tu prof bercerita panjang mengenai patient ni. The suicide attempt was not merely an incident, but it could be an ultimate action after a series of longstanding events. Malah dari kecil lagi. Kerana ayah yang tidak bertanggungjawab, she as the eldest has took many responsibilities and been taking care of the family.

Prof said to us,

Apabila seseorang itu berada di fasa kanak-kanak, seharusnya dia menjadi kanak-kanak. She should be playing, studying, been loved. Not holding responsibilities as the leader of the family. Bila proses ni terganggu, a negative dynamic changes might happen in the inside. Pressure will build up, perceptions to the life and surroundings might change.

**Teringat kanak-kanak palestine dan syria T__T**


This patient, she kept on giving, but not getting enough for herself.

Hingga prof memberi analogi gelas. Kita takkan mampu mengisi gelas orang lain, sekiranya gelas kita sendiri kosong. How painful it is. I remembered one episode in House MD, when a new mother develop psychosis and tried to kill her newborn baby.

When the father started to blame his wife for everything, Dr. House told him,

"I know that people don't get crazy enough to kill someone without first being crazy enough for someone to notice.

How many times did you go out for a drink because she was crying ?

How many times did you stay at work because you could'nt listen to her telling you what a bad mother she is ?

You were relieved when she shut down. Just sat staring for hours at a time.

She held a pillow over her head. You slept while she went nuts."


.....................................


Being a psychiatrist is not easy, isn't it..

Many times I thought how observant they are. When we met the patient for about half an hour, we did not realize much. Prof asked us, 

what do you think her MSE is.?

Normal. We think she looked normal. 

Then she said to us,

I think she is still mildly depressed.

Our supervisor noted that although the patient emotions has improved, the patient only smiled once throughout the conversation. And it was a very brief and thin smile after hearing a spontaneous joke.

hu T.T

If you are not willing to observe, you will not see. Same like if you did'nt wish to help, you will not see there's help needed.

Rain.

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim..

This few days, I found that once I fall asleep, it would be a very, very deep sleep.

Until I felt like having a retrograde amnesia after waking up. hu

Might be exhausted, the effects of heavy rain in KL, or just because I really want to get the essence of resting.

:')

Beberapa hari hujan lebat di KL membawa banyak perubahan. On the way ke hospital, aku mula sedar betapa suasana pagi bertukar jauh lebih redup. Alhamdulillah. 

Selepas usrah tempoh hari, sempat berbual dengan salah seorang usrahmate. She is a few years older than me, sudah menjadi MO. I just knew her for about one and half years, but within this very short time I've witnessed many changes in her phase of life. Daripada bujang, berkahwin, mengandung, bersalin, pertukaran department dan sebagainya. 

Selama ni di pandangan mata saya, dia tersangatlah kuat and i could say, have going through things very well. Even now got a cute baby to play with :) 

But no, she told me. It was a damn hard experiences. Yes it was wonderfull, but yet challenging. Fasa adaptasi ni sangat memenatkan. The overwhelming thought and feeling cannot be avoided. Walaupun di luaran kita nampak normal, tapi di dalam sebenarnya berserabut. 

Too much of things. Too tired of something. Confused of everything, tired of fullfilling people expectations.

..........................


Why am I writing this, ialah supaya kita sedar.

T.T

Because I'm afraid when we even stumble before reaching those phase in which we were expected  to go through in the future.


See, at that phase you still need to be here in dnt and have to figure out the ways to survive.

..........................


Setiap benda akan jadi besar bila kita fikir hanya kita seorang yang ada masalah ni.

Isn't it.. ?

But no, look around us. 

Sebagai seorang yang terbiasa menjadi 'kaunter aduan',  I'm telling you that cumulatively everyone carry this kind of emotional baggage.

Ramai yang BFG mengeluh tak boleh adapt. Susah sangat nak buat dnt kat Malaysia ni. Susah sangat nak menghirup tarbiyyah macam dulu. 

Yang bertukar usrah juga tak terkecuali. Banyak perkara yang digambarkan

 'tidak seperti dulu'

This is one of the listed problem that keep on arising zaman berzaman, namun sukar diselesaikan dengan saksama lebih-lebih lagi dengan pengurusan insan-insan lemah di sebalik tabir yang juga sedang ditarbiyyah. 

Yes, I know everyone has a better experiences once upon a time in tarbiyyah. 

Me too :')

Benda inilah yang selalu JK tarbiyyah, naqibah, PIC dan segala JK lain struggle nak uruskan. Entah apa yang mereka asyik syurokan. But very often failed to reach the expectations. 

Jadi jangan terlalu mengharapkan mereka.

hu.

We should also do something for ourselves.

As we move on in life, akan banyak lagi situasi 'tidak seperti dulu' yang akan kita lalui. Kena mula berlatih dari sekarang

Learn to cherish our own tarbiyyah. 

As simple as things in usrah, or in other wasilah. I know to gather everyone is very difficult, but try anyway. If you can't meet in a proper liqo, do it casually in lunchtime, jogging time, in whatsapp group or whatsoever. Initiates things, discuss problems. 

And, don't be too hard on our sisters. Reduce our expectations. As condition changes, we have to learn that people also need some adaptations in life. besederhanalah.

.............................

Lastly, ialah pengajaran yang boleh kita dapatkan daripada mereka, saudara kita di sana.

Kadang-kadang terfikir, banyak benda kita boleh belajar daripada sisters and brothers in syria, palestine, egypt etc. How amazingly they adapt with major changes and trauma in life. And they indeed survived, moving on, become stronger.

How amazing, isn't it :')

Kadang-kadang terfikir, budak-budak ni tak ada PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) ke, tak ada adjustment disorder ke, berapa ramai yang stress sampai develop major depression, atau sampai develop schizophrenia. Why they are smiling like that.

We never know. But hey they are smiling.

We indeed should thank them, because they did so much for us.

T____T.

Stay there, stay strong. InsyaAllah.

Hikmah

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

Selalu yang menjadikan seseorang tu dihormati dan disegani bukan pencapaian dan populariti semata-mata, qudwah is more than that.

Yang lebih terkesan di hati ialah akhlak dan peribadi.

Kadang-kadang kita lihat orang tu berada tinggi di atas, dengan segala kebolehan dan pencapaian luar biasa. Namun belum tentu dihormati. Boleh jadi  tak terasa qudwahnya.

Hati manusia, sememangnya sensitif. 

Setiap orang ada masa naik dan turunnya. Salinglah bersabar dan berhenti memperlekehkan orang lain. Jika tidak selamanya kita akan gagal bertolak ansur dan terus bercakaran. Ikhwah dengan bajet bagusnya, akhawat dengan rasa tidak puas hatinya.

**sigh**


Beberapa hari lalu aku menghadiri pengisian oleh Sheikh Dr Ibrahim Munir Mustofa. 

Beliau bukan orang biasa-biasa. Bukan ikhwah yang baru nak up. Dah seribu satu cabaran dia lalui untuk dakwah ini. 

Naib mursyidul am ikhwanul muslimin. He is.

Ada banyak perkara yang menarik mengenai tokoh ini. Salah satunya ialah akhlak dan hikmah yang sangat luar biasa. 

Di hujung pengisian, dibuka satu sesi soal jawab. Dalam banyak-banyak soalan yang dikemukakan, seorang akhawat bertanya mengenai isu jemaah yang tidak kena pada tempatnya dan obviously, kebanyakan ikhwah akhawat yang hadir merasakan isu tersebut tak sesuai ditanya pada Sheikh Ibrahim. Hinggakan, juruacara majlis kelihatan sedikit marah lantas menegur akhawat itu secara direct dengan kuasa mikrofonnya. 

Tapi Sheikh Ibrahim tenang-tenang saja. Beliau tidak menolak sebaliknya menjawab dengan baik dan padat. Tidak memperlekeh-lekehkan isu yang dibangkitkan, sebaliknya berlapang dada dan memberi yang terbaik.

Itulah keajaiban akhlak dan sifat hikmah.

Yang belum ada pada sebahagian besar dari kita. Sifat kita dalam memimpin dan berorganisasi masih penuh dengan ketidakmatangan. Masih saling ego, sindir-menyindir, dan malas mendengar atau memperhalusi permasalahan.

Melihat pemimpin ikhwan yang sangat tertuntun akhlaknya, aku terfikir kalau seorang pemimpin ikhwan saja sudah begini,  bagaimana agaknya sifatnya Rasulullah s.a.w. Tak terbayang rasanya.

T.T

Allah melihat amal yang zahir dan yang tersembunyi. 

Mungkin kita tak mampu menjadi hebat seperti orang-orang yang di atas, namun bersabarlah dan buat yang terbaik. 

Memegang amanah bukan mudah, berapa banyak ketua yang kalau boleh teringin nak jadi orang bawahan.

And I realizes this very much, 


She might be the worst and slowest 'amirah' ever,
The most struggle and emotional one,
The most difficult to deal with,
Even still have to settle with her own jahiliyyah,



But at least when the time is very difficult, 

She did'nt run away. 

And struggling to keep it that way.


..................


Till Allah says its enough.